This is a one draft blog post. Not a lot of editing so please receive that. Though I will only write this once I have stirred these thoughts seemingly millions of times in my head. There have been few days over the past couple years that these thoughts have sat lonely, I have kept them good company.
This is a post reflecting on my last two years of life.
First thing... I need to say sorry. I'm so deeply sorry to all of those that I left hanging. I ended my job as associate pastor in Sundre quickly and at a down time in the gathering calendar, the beginning of summer break. I didn't plan that, that's just when everything came to a head. I know that there were many people who have never received much of an explanation and I know imaginations have come up with answers to the rapid disappearance which I understand completely. I also know that there are many who were upset with my departure. I get it. I understand. I have shed many tears in trying to figure out how to pass on my message of care and compassion in a time when many were left in the dark and when I was hurt and broken. I just want to say sorry and I hope that the ears who need to hear that receive that message through this post or other means. I loved the people that I worked with in the community of Sundre. I'm sorry that it came to such an abrupt halt.
My journey working in the church has been interesting. I've always been rebellious at heart, someone who didn't just fit into a nice mold or be satisfied with status quo. People have often asked me why I'm part of the church if I see so many miss steps and my answer would always be that I'd rather produce change from within and as a part of the commu ity rather than from outside. I always thought of it as a harder role but a better approach.
Just over two years ago I started talking about a youth outreach/drop-in center for Sundre. I followed the steps instructed me to the best of my abilities. I was ambitious and found other ambitious people who had a common vision to provide a safe place to care for the young people in and around the Sundre community. I had built inroads into the community by volunteering at the high school coaching volleyball, helping weekly in their breakfast program and being available for other ceremonies or opportunities that came up. I was in that building regularly and had an amazing rapor with many students. I loved being a part of their stories with simple hi's in the hallways or seeing them in the community and chatting regularly. I wanted something more and my answer to that was through a drop-in. I wanted to keep building into this small community and so did others.
That was the beginning of the end...
There was significant resistance to maybe the speed of the project or maybe the project itself or maybe to me as the leader but resistance none the less.
This division really served to expose a much earlier division, one that had been never really established in unity and was only growing in one direction, away. With a lack of trust, respect, shared vision and growing distance in all that was meant to be a shared enterprise the end was only a question of when. In the final few months of my employment in the church I found either a great measure of support or a great amount of personal resistance. It was difficult to manage my next steps. I could either dig in my heals and create a further fight or I could step aside and allow the community do as they chose.
I stepped aside.
I write it simply but there was nothing simple about it. I was so conflicted for so long. Some people pushed me out while others pulled me back in. Only a few people really knew the depth of division that existed. But it was deep! And again with the never established foundation of trust there seemed to be little to build on.
Agony.
Pain.
Tears.
Anger.
Hatred.
Confusion.
Sorrow.
Questions.
Agony.
I have seldom felt the weight of such emotion. When I stepped away from that job I knew that I was not going to step into a new ministry opportunity or would I look for one. I was too broken to lead anyone and though my faith in God had not been broken my trust in the greater cause and method of the church had definitely been damaged. So I knew that I was giving up not only my income but also my career, my hopes and dreams of how I envisioned my future as an old, but still cool, youth pastor and my hopes of at least the method of loving my present community. I was giving up what I had gone to college for and what I had done for 13 years of my professional life. I was giving up a doorway into the lives of so many around me. I was letting many down as they valued me in that leadership role. I felt all of that for months leading up to that decision and for months and months after.
I cried all the time. I was so hurt and broken. I thought about everything that was happening all day every day. A number of occasions I had to pull the vehicle over on the side of the road because it wasn't safe to drive as I couldn't see, tears were flooding my moment. I considered life on the grandest scale. The meaning of everything was in question.
I went into a season of deep hibernation.
I didn't want to talk to anybody and I didn't want to be seen by anybody. I was making choices and having thoughts and saying things that weren't helpful to myself or others. I stayed away from everything I had known as best I could. I did a pretty good job of that. I just needed to. I knew that I was leaving many people in the dust but I felt so helpless to be present. It weighed on me daily.
I needed to find another income. The Alberta economy was crap and so was my resume for doing anything outside the church. I had a church degree and 13 years of working in a church. I didn't have solid connections of employers and the ones I did couldn't help me at the time.
In comes Spruce View School. They had a one month vacancy that they probably shouldn't have hired me for. My resume didn't lean towards being an educational assistant at all but they gave me the temporary spot. Over the next eight months as I had my temporary contract extended essentially month-by-month I learned a lot, formed some good relationships and had a place to be away from anything I knew which was exactly what I needed. I had an eight month place to process and not be judged by my former life. I came in as a blank slate. There were no pastoral expectations on me. They helped me heal so much and I am so thankful for that time in my life. But I knew the whole time that it wasn't sustainable or long term. Being an EA has great hours (8:30-3) but pays terribly.
In May I got hired onto Shaw. My qualifications were that I interviewed well, was a people person and I showed an aptitude to learn. My resume wasn't helpful but my people skills showed through. I've been an in home technician for the past 7 months and am really enjoying it. It mixes meeting all kinds of people all day long and having the satisfaction of completing a task multiple times a day.
Through the darkness of my past couple years I believe that I am starting to turn a corner. I'm engaging with others more, I'm putting myself out in conversations and relationships and I'm noticing a change in my daily frame of mind. I have lots yet to continue to process and hurdles to embrace and navigate but I am more filled with joy and promise of the future.
Through it all I have known God's grace in my life and have never felt abandoned nor pressured to get over it in an unreasonable time. I haven't felt the need to have answers to questions too immediately. And maybe most of all I have not felt the guilt of being irreligous that can sometimes come from church participation. I reflect on God's mercies often and am thankful for his presence in my life and being.
I have so much more to say but this is a start. I'm sure there will be more to come.
May Truth overwhelm your darkness always,
Russ
