I hope this makes sense! I didn't really proof it. I just spit it out and published it. So deal with it. (smile)
I have a theme for this season of my life. It’s not
necessarily the season of Christmas, although it happens to coincide, but it is
rather just a season that I am experiencing and will attempt to articulate, for
either my sake or yours yet I’m now sure.
My theme is HOPE! It changes everything.
I just came out of a short dark season in my life. It wasn’t
dark for any reason other than inner turmoil and a busyness of the mind and
spirit. People weren’t necessarily neglecting me nor were there traumatic
events that took place, just a heaviness that I don’t know if I can really
quite explain. I needed to get some things off my mind and I wasn’t able to get
to them. And when I finally mentally took time to focus on taking them off my
plate of tasks I had no motivation or attention to give them.
During this time my relationships seemed empty, my desire
didn’t exist and my faith in God often seemed numb. Whenever I did do the “right”
things it was more out of guilt than anything else and proved to just clarify
the emptiness that I was in.
It sucked.
I seemed to be functioning to most but on the inside I was
screaming for life. I said to myself internally that when I wasn’t able to cry
anymore I may as well laugh. Because it was almost comical, but actually
nowhere close. I didn’t really talk to anyone about it because I didn’t really
know what to say and maybe I wasn’t totally sure who my “go to” person was. And
here I am supposed to be a leader to others to not only know what to say in
times like these but to also to profess meaning through Jesus as the ultimate
and only life which overflows joy and inspiration.
I knew the hope of Jesus and I continued to sit in that but
I wasn’t active and engaged in it.
I just sat there.
I still can’t completely define what I was going through but
I knew that I was living life impaired. Not from alcohol but from turmoil, a
lack of peace.
As I sat in the frustration of numbness I became aware of
some of the things I needed to do to free up my mind and spirit. It took a
while, but all I could do was power through them. The only thing that motivated
me was to get them done and really that wasn’t a great motivation anymore
because I had become satisfied with just doing what I needed to get by and
appease the people, whoever that may have been. And really, most of us can fake
it for quite a while.
I powered through. I cleared my plate. I even think I did an
okay job.
Out of clearing my plate, either by doing the tasks at hand
or handing over some situations that I didn’t seem to have any control over,
came rejuvenation. Literally to become young again. I think I gained back 5
years of life in about 5 days. It didn’t seem like only a weight that was taken
off but rather a fully encompassing blanket that was broken through.
I think that it’s often easier to realize hope on the exodus
of darkness.
So here I am. I’m able to feel again. I’m able to know and
appreciate and love motivation. I’m able to smile both on the outside and
inside. I feel more able to learn and teach. I’m able to be motivated by the
meaning of life again, the Glory of God. I once again acknowledge and
anticipate hope. Hope for another day. No, even more, hope for another
generation!
I don’t know what I all learned during this time but here
are some thoughts.
I think I learned that it’s okay to have seasons where all
you do is sit in the presence of God even though you don’t feel like you can
grasp for any of it. I’m sure glad I sat there instead of move away from it and
start reaching for alternatives. I knew to not leave the grasp of my Savior. I
didn’t know what else to do but I knew that much.
I learned that I really do have some “go to” people in my
life but that in my darkness I need to engage them in my life. I need to be
able to give a platform for them to speak into my situation or at least to be
with me and to sit with me in my uncertainty, frustration and numbness.
I don’t know what else. I’m sure as I continue to reflect
that other insights will come to mind, or maybe not.
No worries.
Jesus is still my ultimate hope! He always was, I just wasn’t
able to grasp that for a bit but I trust that I am in a place, especially in
the often hopeless season of Christmas, to profess that loudly again.
(Smile)
