Seasons

I hope this makes sense! I didn't really proof it. I just spit it out and published it. So deal with it. (smile)

I have a theme for this season of my life. It’s not necessarily the season of Christmas, although it happens to coincide, but it is rather just a season that I am experiencing and will attempt to articulate, for either my sake or yours yet I’m now sure.

My theme is HOPE! It changes everything.

I just came out of a short dark season in my life. It wasn’t dark for any reason other than inner turmoil and a busyness of the mind and spirit. People weren’t necessarily neglecting me nor were there traumatic events that took place, just a heaviness that I don’t know if I can really quite explain. I needed to get some things off my mind and I wasn’t able to get to them. And when I finally mentally took time to focus on taking them off my plate of tasks I had no motivation or attention to give them.

During this time my relationships seemed empty, my desire didn’t exist and my faith in God often seemed numb. Whenever I did do the “right” things it was more out of guilt than anything else and proved to just clarify the emptiness that I was in.

It sucked.

I seemed to be functioning to most but on the inside I was screaming for life. I said to myself internally that when I wasn’t able to cry anymore I may as well laugh. Because it was almost comical, but actually nowhere close. I didn’t really talk to anyone about it because I didn’t really know what to say and maybe I wasn’t totally sure who my “go to” person was. And here I am supposed to be a leader to others to not only know what to say in times like these but to also to profess meaning through Jesus as the ultimate and only life which overflows joy and inspiration.

I knew the hope of Jesus and I continued to sit in that but I wasn’t active and engaged in it.

I just sat there.

I still can’t completely define what I was going through but I knew that I was living life impaired. Not from alcohol but from turmoil, a lack of peace.

As I sat in the frustration of numbness I became aware of some of the things I needed to do to free up my mind and spirit. It took a while, but all I could do was power through them. The only thing that motivated me was to get them done and really that wasn’t a great motivation anymore because I had become satisfied with just doing what I needed to get by and appease the people, whoever that may have been. And really, most of us can fake it for quite a while.

I powered through. I cleared my plate. I even think I did an okay job.

Out of clearing my plate, either by doing the tasks at hand or handing over some situations that I didn’t seem to have any control over, came rejuvenation. Literally to become young again. I think I gained back 5 years of life in about 5 days. It didn’t seem like only a weight that was taken off but rather a fully encompassing blanket that was broken through.

I think that it’s often easier to realize hope on the exodus of darkness.

So here I am. I’m able to feel again. I’m able to know and appreciate and love motivation. I’m able to smile both on the outside and inside. I feel more able to learn and teach. I’m able to be motivated by the meaning of life again, the Glory of God. I once again acknowledge and anticipate hope. Hope for another day. No, even more, hope for another generation!

I don’t know what I all learned during this time but here are some thoughts.

I think I learned that it’s okay to have seasons where all you do is sit in the presence of God even though you don’t feel like you can grasp for any of it. I’m sure glad I sat there instead of move away from it and start reaching for alternatives. I knew to not leave the grasp of my Savior. I didn’t know what else to do but I knew that much.

I learned that I really do have some “go to” people in my life but that in my darkness I need to engage them in my life. I need to be able to give a platform for them to speak into my situation or at least to be with me and to sit with me in my uncertainty, frustration and numbness.

I don’t know what else. I’m sure as I continue to reflect that other insights will come to mind, or maybe not. 

No worries.

Jesus is still my ultimate hope! He always was, I just wasn’t able to grasp that for a bit but I trust that I am in a place, especially in the often hopeless season of Christmas, to profess that loudly again.

(Smile)

Forest through the Trees

As I come to the end of the school year which also means the end of the main season of my life in working with young people I can't help but reflect of the year that we just had. Some of these moments were great to reflect on and very uplifting while some others show disfunction or at the very least discomfort. But what I've learned especially this year is that all situations whether they be good or bad can be great opportunities to grow.

In my work this past year we took one area of our programming into a new direction. It was in fact a very new direction and one that I had never seen before so for us at least we were carving a new path. We started with a vision, lots of questions and a solid goal of expectation with wide amounts of flexibility as long as our final goal was still reached.

As we started the year off differently we had some initial excitement and some confusion but we navigated through the challenges. But it didn't take long to get some push back. "Why don't we do things the way we did before?" "This isn't as fun as the other way of doing things!" "I'm not so sure of this structure." And although all of these thoughts had gone through my head numerous times we were committed to a new direction because we wanted a new outcome and to get to a new outcome we needed to do things differently.

The season continued and some success was made but a lot of road blocks began to get bigger. We pushed on for about 6 months with our new structure and in the end we decided as a team that what we had done could not be sustained the way that we were doing it and we eventually decided to revert back to our old structure for the final two month stretch to the end of the season. In some ways this really felt like giving in BUT when we had reverted back to the old we realized that our goal was still attained even though we weren't sure that it initially was. Our end goal was to have greater participation within our whole group and in the final two months we saw that our leadership had multiplied greatly.

In the end what we had thought was a failure came through as a great success but that success was not clear at many points along the journey until the end. In fact any success seemed very distant at some points but as a team we came through.

At the end of the year as we reflect on where we came from and where we want to go there are still many steps to be taken in moving towards our goal but we are closer. I believe that we would not have been closer if we had not taken the bold steps we did to change our programming in order to change our outcomes. It wasn't easy and in fact my supervisor had many red flags but we did it and without much resistance I can call last year an outstanding accomplishment.

I write this to reflect that change is not easy. Change is seldom immediately positive. But with strong leadership, a great team and a determined goal change can lead, sometimes unobviously, to new and great outcomes.

The verse I read the other day that sums this all up under the always proclaimed lordship of Jesus in my life is Psalm 46.

Psalm 46

1 God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging.

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
    God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
    he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

7 The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

8 Come and see what the Lord has done,
    the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
    to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
    he burns the shields with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

11 The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

I trust that all we did was for 

the Glory of our risen Savior,

Jesus Christ our Lord

Sometimes a Peter

The other day I was feeling a lot like Peter. A guy who said that through anything he would stand beside not only his friend or rabbi but his Saviour! I'm sure he meant it when he said it and he must have been pained when Jesus foretold that Peter would deny knowing him three times before morning came. How audacious? Someone who tells you that they are with you till the end and you smack them with that comment. Ouch!

But it happened! Just a short time later Jesus gets arrested and as He is being tried and beaten and the crowd is getting all excited that they want this guy to die Peter gets pointed out by people in the crowd that said they saw him with Jesus. At that moment and two more times throughout the sleepless night Peter denies and in fact seems angry at the people and sharply replies, "I never knew this man." Ouch! What Jesus said was true.

Jesus is soon killed by being hung on a cross and Peter never had the chance to reconcile his guilt. I try to imagine what that would have felt like for him. Whatever my conclusion, it's never good.

So the other day I was feeling like Peter. In front of my own friends and when I am in a place of safety I found it easy to be totally committed to not only my friend or my rabbi but my Saviour. I  really mean it when I say that I'll stick with Jesus until the end. I really do. But so often when I'm out of the spotlight and there is no expectation from others around me it's so easy to slip and to turn away, even for just a moment. But the haunting scream has been heard clear, "I never knew Him."

Ouch!

I never intended  that to happen. Really!

I know a little bit about how Peter felt in his guilt and shame. It's not fun to know that our commitment lacks completeness. To know that we have deserted what we have found true life in. It sucks. Bad.

The thing I love about Peter's story is that it doesn't end there. His Saviour, Jesus, comes back to life! Peter is yet to know this and while Peter is still living in his guilt and shame he sees Jesus and Jesus comes to him! There are no words of shame or guilt placed on Peter but only words of redemption when Jesus asks him, "Do you love me?"

Peter -"Lord, I love you!" 

Three times Jesus asks the question and for each answer it symbolically redeems each denial. And after each answer Jesus then doesn't only redeem Peter but He commissions him, "Go and feed my sheep." Which in other words means, "Go and redeem others from this guilt and shame for just as I came to redeem you so I have come to redeem and commission all who answer, 'Lord, I love you.'" Peter's life is forever changed.

Jesus recently came to me. 

In my guilt and shame He confronted me graciously with this question, 

"Do you love me?"

It's what I believe with all my heart that Jesus did and still does. He comes to us with the desire and ability to redeem and commission us for an incredibly great life, life to the fullest, with the  question, "Do you love me?"

LORD, I love you!

True Tragedy

I still feel sick to my stomach when I think about the tragedy and the insanity of the events of yesterday's events at the Boston Marathon. I can't remember feeling like this in a long time. It's sick to think that someone would ever want to do that. I can't imagine the feelings of those who were there and those who were harmed in the events. I feel horrible for the family of the 8 year old boy whose life was taken from him let alone the others who also died. Many who didn't lose their lives will now have to live life with physical wounds as well as deep emotional wounds. This will not be forgotten quickly.

As I thought about these events and felt the horror they provided I couldn't help but think of another disturbing thought. A true tragedy is found in the fact that bombs go off and people die in other countries on sometimes a daily basis and we rarely blink an eye. We hear it on the news. We see it on the TV. I listen to global news on the radio almost every day and I hear of just a fraction of what actually goes on oversees and it's horrifying. I can't imagine how many families lose a child because of bombings. I can't imagine how many lose another loved one or maybe the whole family goes on the same day. Friends. Co-workers. Neighbours. This happens every day around the world and we don't give it much thought. I guess it's because it's not close to home. Maybe part of us has gotten used to it happening over there but not often so close to home. But should that matter?

Any humanly avoidable death is difficult to understand. Why do we do this to each other? It's really horrible. But why do we do it to others? Why don't we care so much when it's "over there"?

This whole event has really made me wonder how much I really do care for all of humanity. I care deeply for the people in Boston and it has caused me to care in a deeper way for those elsewhere in an equal way. Not sure what I can all do about that but I guess this is step one.

My Easter Resolution

This is my first time making an Easter resolution. I don't really recommend it because I recognize the weirdness of it all but my need for making a change, or resolution, in my life fell at the same time as Easter so I called it my Easter resolution just for fun.

Resolution #1 - I resolve to be more fun!

I've recognized over the past while that I've been too high strung and too serious. As there are times for that I've definitely over done it. I need to chill out and enjoy what's around me.

I often talk about not complicating the Bible and I feel like my "seriousness" in the gospel has began to make it a daunting quest. I have come to recognize, with those around me, that the gospel was never meant to be over complicated or to be an overbearing weight. The Truth of this matter is that Jesus says, "My yoke is easy and my burden is light." Well then this should be a whole lot smoother than what I've made it out to be.

So along with my first resolution of being more fun the other resolution that I am excited about and want to post in my office is:

Resolution #2 -  I resolve to RELAX.

If God is for us then who can be against us? So why should I worry about this day or the next? My renewed prayer is that I can be in the stream of the Holy Spirits working so that I might be swept away in a current that is far beyond me. So Russ, just relax!

This doesn't always mean goofy or cracking jokes or changing who I am but it will show up in a lot more smiles and an easiness knowing that I am not the game changer, God is and I just want to be on his team. And it's pretty cool that as I stand in line waiting to be picked for His team He picked me. Jesus picked me to be on His team and I responded. The really cool thing about it is that He picks us all to be on His team. No one is left out. And all he asks us to do is to follow his lead, enjoy it and relax in His love.

Alright, here goes my first and quite possibly my last Easter resolution!

Secrecy

Secret addiction is the death of many! 

I feel sorry for anyone who lives any part of their life is secret. The reason I 
feel sorry for them are because I know what it's like. It's not only the actions
 that remain a secret but also the shame that can't be shared and when there
 is secret shame then there is no allowance for others to speak words of truth
 and healing. This quickly becomes a downward spiral that seems too deep to
 even make any positive effort worth the energy. It quickly becomes a very
 dark and very lonely place.  


Secrecy often acts as the green light of justification. I often fool myself by
 thinking if a harmful act only effects me personally and nobody knows about
 it then it is ok or at least better than hurting many others and so I justify the
 results. This is very disastrous thinking and the  fact is that it holds no truth.
 Even if I am solely harming myself, which is almost never the case, I will be
 less available to those around me who need my very best. My wife, my
 children, my friends and those whom I mentor will be receiving a damaged
 relationship before it ever starts. 


Secret addictions come in many forms and I'll let you fill in your own blank as
 to what yours are. Don't bother lying to yourself either. You'll only be fooling
 yourself and darkening the already darkened areas of your life. 

The things that I've done to help me in these areas are to accept grace, apply
 truth, seek accountability and press on.  


Accept Grace

I have accepted grace found only in Jesus Christ. 
The first place to start to get out of our secrecy and darkness is to accept that
 there is something wrong and realize that there is something that offers us a
 fresh start. The one to make that offer is our Creator God through the life, 
death and resurrection of His son, Jesus. Jesus says that, "My grace (divine 
forgiveness) is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness." 
As we accept our weakness and share our shame only then can we accept that 
we need the grace of the only Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. With this fresh 
start then we can live in newness of life. 


Romans 5:1-2 "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God."
John 3:19-21¹⁹ This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. ²⁰ Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. ²¹ But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.”  


Apply Truth

In newness of life, I have applied truth 
where lies used to prevail. 

Grace is a great thing but if we try to live our fresh start with old lies we will
 soon be re-trapped into our old life and fall back into old patterns. We need
 to train our minds to think differently and we need to create new habits in 
place of our old. Many things in life will require changing and it will be hard 
work but we trust in the words of Jesus that tell us in John 10:10 that, 
"Christ came that we may have life and have it to the full." We need to apply 
truth to our lives. 

2 Corinthians 5:17Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
John 3:19-21¹⁹ This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. ²⁰ Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. ²¹ But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.”

Seek Accountability 

<sup>I have found accountability from peers and from mentors around me.
Once I apply truth to my life I then need to make sure that I don't fall back 
into my old patterns of life and bad habits. This is why it is so important to 
have people around us that care for our greatest needs. 

I have made a conscience effort to have good people around me that will 
help me get where I want to go. Not only have I intentionally made fruitful 
relationships who share common goals but I have also made the bold 
decisions to be very open and honest with them. Just having good people 
around us doesn't make us accountable but only when people know my goals 
and care enough to ask me if I'm getting there does true accountability 
happen. 

I can honestly say there are people around me that know the most shameful 
and horrible things that are in my life. I have a group of peers that I meet 
with and connect with on a consistent basis where we talk very openly about 
our lives in all areas. I also have a male mentor who is about 30 years older 
than I am who knows literally everything in my life. I have accountability 
friends who ask me how I've spent my money, which websites I've visited, if 
I'm angry at anybody in life, how I'm doing as a father, if my sex life is 
healthy, when the last time I've been on a date with my wife and many more 
areas. 

And then there is my wife. She knows all my joys and struggles. She is my 
encourager and my supporter. She knows every website that I visit and 
where I spend my time. Our openness with one another has been a challenge 
but we've come a long way and continue to work on our marriage in terms of 
openness and honesty with one another on a continuing basis. She is my 
great love! 

I have many around me that hold me accountable to the life that I strive to 
live.

Jame 5:16 says, "</sup>Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."


Press On

Once I have people around me that hold me accountable to my new way of life then I need to press on. 

It's not like life is anywhere close to perfect. I screw up all the time but when I
 do I retrace these steps. I accept God's grace in my life. I replace the lie with
 the truth. Then I tell someone around me, who I can trust, that I've messed 
up and then finally I press on. I don't wallow in my guilt. I don't sulk to 
myself. I pick myself up and dust myself off and I keep living and when I'm not 
good at this then it's the people around me that care for me that help me do 
this and help speak truth into my life and remind me of the grace of God. 

^{Philippians 3:12-1412 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.}
2 Corinthians 10:3-6For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, once your obedience is complete.

I have found life and life to the fullest! 

I don't live in secret any longer and neither do you have to. 

If you live in secret addiction my advice is to find help! 

If you keep living in secret then sorry, but I feel sorry for you. 

Here's a song that has helped me understand the seduction of more than lust, but all secret addictions!